The Change Comes from Within

Here I am pondering life and all that it entails, I am bracing myself for change. I personally don't like this feeling, I much rather just do things on a whim. Then one doesn't have to face this anticipation and self doubt if you are doing the right thing. 

It is like a consistent battle with yourself and in the end I am always disappointed I invested so much time trying to untangle my psyche. 

You know, anticipation maybe something eerie from behind is sneaking up. I am preparing for its debut, like greeting a long lost friend at the arrivals gate or possibility a life altering consultation with some head honcho.

I wish I had the motivation, passion and most of all inspiration to have written something of substance at that time of my initial departure. So that I could sit back and reflect while I stare at the clouds. No time to be wishing for things one cannot change.

A lot of time has been invested conversing with many people about what happens next. Or what is inadvertently the best 'decision' one can make. 

At one point I was avidly asking everyone what was the best route, throwing down my options and all the ideas that were swelling my head in hopes of an epiphany. Alas, it does not work like that. 

However, I have learnt about the "state of mind" (Like I wasn't already aware of this) How I perceive daily life places a huge factor on the level of happiness you are in. My state is in the utmost manner is luckily  underlined with gratefulness. 

Others may call it sacrifice to give up material goods, job security and most of all family/friends. Like leaving them behind is practically like throwing them away, which isn't true at all. 

If you had asked me on an off day I would have wholeheartedly would have agreed to the fact there are days where I felt like I had abandoned them. 

Though I know when times are tough they are always there for me on social media sites and if they lose touch it isn't because one of us failed to try. I used to be saddened by the fact that people would stop talking to me, but what are they going to talk to me about? I am so far away and our lives don't coincide not is relative daily banter any longer, a thing. I am sure the people I call my friends are thinking, 'Jen, will be back' and that will be the day when they will look me up and try to play catch up. The words on a screen isn't enough to fulfill a friendship. 

Now it is time again to make decisions that lead my life onto the next unforeseen location. My count down begins now and I have to prepare myself mentally and thank all the people that have been talking to me, supporting me through my hard times. You are not forgotten, I am just sometimes a little more lost than usual.